my launching pad::undefined musings::me in 2.1

The Course of Love

2012-02-13T12:30:00.001-05:00

You ask why I couldn’t love you—
How I never let you in
Because my heart was impenetrable.
You ask why I let you go—
Why I denied your right to love me
Because I was terrified by Love.
I watched you leave me in silence
Because I couldn’t ask you to stay.
Your love gave me strength
But my loving you made me weak.
You loved me wholly and freely, I know.
But I loved you as one loves a dream.
I lived in it knowing it was fleeting
And awoke feeling as empty as I did complete.
It was never that I couldn’t love you.
I did love you.
I have always loved you.
My sin was in loving too much—
In holding onto a dream so tightly
That it faded into a perfect memory.
I love you as I miss you—deeply.

4/12/01

the human condition

2012-02-10T02:09:00.000-05:00

We move about our lives in a sea of fellow wanderers. We float through the day in nameless crowds. At times, we hide away in our own thoughts or take refuge in our daydreams. If we stopped for a moment to think outside of ourselves, we might catch a glimpse of the other world happening around us. We might sense that the person sitting next to us at lunch is nervous because he is undergoing a life-changing experience, that the person we’re passing on the street is smiling because joy is abounding in his soul, or that the person waiting in line behind us is overburdened by a grief that is settling in his heart. Perhaps we can never truly know these things, but we have an immense capacity for sympathy, empathy, compassion and humanity. Kindness knows no currency, but its value is immeasurable. There is no shame in feeling or connecting. There is only embracing the human condition and crossing the boundary of indifference.

June 3, 2011

Untitled

2012-02-05T08:52:00.001-05:00

How does one measure the tide of love?
Days too long, seconds too brief.
When we are entangled as one,
The essence of time is stolen.
We float between this world and the next
Ever forward, ever changing.
When I can be the one you dream of,
I remember that time yields to love, to us.

May 2009

To Love and Be Loved

2012-01-24T09:05:00.000-05:00

I sometimes wonder about love. According to Plato, every person is in search of his missing half - the physical and spiritual half that complements and completes each of us. In popular culture, we know this half as "the one," often attributed to the workings of destiny and the product of fate. But it's very hard to believe that in our lifetime, with the many people we have come across and those we have yet to meet, there is only one person who was meant for each and every one of us. I believe that we each have numerous opportunities to love and be loved in the romantic context. I like to think that love is governed by free will and we are all able to impart our own magic. It is true that sometimes we can't control how and when we fall in love because the heart can speak louder than logic. I think the real beauty and magnificence of love lies within each of us - in our power to choose and make the experience of love our own.

2001

Nostalgia

2012-01-24T08:41:00.000-05:00

The evening air is so mild and sweet
And yet it passes not as a breeze,
But as a strong current
That carries melancholic memories.
Heavy with introspection and
Roaming with countless smiles,
This wind sweeps by
But it lingers like spilled perfume
And ebbs like a sea of tears,
The zephyr wishes to continue on it way
But I trap it in my room
And pull it around me like a blanket.
It tastes bittersweet and refreshing.
It rises with a cooling warmth.
Its aroma does not release me.
The air is invigorating and at the same time,
It chokes me with gentle hands.

May 1999

Renewal

2012-01-08T19:11:00.000-05:00

I think the last time I made a New Year's resolution was when I was ten years old. I swore that I would stop biting my nails so I could have pretty, feminine hands (i.e. non-tomboy hands). I don't remember how that panned out. This past year, I didn't make a resolution because I think my wish is always the same. I hope to be a more giving friend, a more forgiving person and an unconditionally supportive sister/daughter/partner. I want to nurture my relationships, feed my spirit and frolic in the park with my dogs. I don't want to ever feel indifferent about my life, my goals or my relationships. And, there is always room for self-improvement.

This past year has been one of revelation, liberation and renewal. I discovered and re-discovered people and things when I least expected it (that's the best). I find myself a little older and wiser and sublimely content with just being. Meaningful conversation is the best past-time. Spontaneity is a good motto to follow. Though we don't search for it, there is some form of regret no matter how small or how much we try to deny having even one. But importantly, we learn from it, let it go, and move forward. We try our best to make our own destiny, but just maybe, some things are written in the stars and only time will tell.

On the tenth anniversary of 9/11

2011-09-12T05:44:00.003-04:00

(In Remembrance, November 2001)

Eight weeks after the tragic events of September 11th, I am still haunted by the memories of fleeing for my life. I still count my blessings that I was one of the more fortunate souls who found their way to safety on that fateful morning when New York City was changed forever. Undoubtedly, that morning touched us all as we say a prayer for our friends, loved ones, strangers, neighbors and local heroes - each of whom has left a special impression in our hearts.

It was a day marked by horrific violence and amazing triumph. It was a crime against humanity, personal freedom and the American spirit, but in the darkest hour, we answered back with our own humanity and resolve. It was and remains to be the kind of human spirit that has given us the strength to move forward. In our hopes for a small but gradual return to normalcy, we have redefined and rediscovered what it is to be an American. It is not found in solely asserting our military prowess abroad, nor is it revealed in simply displaying our stars and stripes.

We have to ask ourselves the questions we are all wondering - when will this heightened sense of patriotism dim? When will we begin to forget the fallen in our pursuit of the guilty? When will we realize that the greatest honor we can bring to our country is ensuring that our loved ones have not died in vain? When we will spread American pride for what it should be - a hallmark for humanity?

It has to begin today and in each of us. We must start with honoring the fallen - by striving to be the best people we can be and in appreciating those who are still with us and continue to touch our lives in countless ways. We have to adopt a new awareness, a renewed solidarity, a faith in humanity and a voice for peace. As much as memories may haunt us within, memories also remind us of our convictions and the work that must be done.

Love in the Aftermath

2011-06-19T10:17:00.001-04:00

It used to be that they would look at one another with nothing but love in their hearts. They would lock gazes and smile as if they shared a little secret that no one else knew. It was a little secret of sorts. It was new love and it was their second chance to be together. Where timing and circumstance had once been wrong, this time together felt like destiny had intervened. Fate and a little act of cupid, they liked to believe. They felt lucky for their reunion and for every moment that they had to look forward to.

They embraced their new beginning. They discovered the depth of their love and the power of wanting one person so much. They traveled along in their bubble of love and bliss, untouched by the passing of time and the distractions of daily life. They felt everything good between them, and at the same time, they felt weightless. They drifted together, sharing conversations about their dreams and peering into each other’s souls. They loved wholeheartedly, with good intention, affection and compassion.

But, theirs was a love that wasn’t impenetrable. At times, it felt the weight of the earth and was grounded by pain. It experienced bouts of conflict and heartache. Theirs was a love that was fragile and with each new cut, the collective wound grew bigger and the suffering more intense. As time passed, their love continued to bruise and bleed inward, but they remained ever hopeful. They were buoyed by the potential of their love.

They wondered how they could heal, if their love could heal. How would they mend all that had been broken? The grace of love had dimmed and in its place, doubt had settled. They didn’t know how they got to this place and how they had strayed so far. They stumbled amidst this uncertainty, and waded in loneliness, sadness and pain. They reached for a token of inspiration and summoned the faith they carried deep within. They looked inward and outward for signs of home but it was tucked away in a far off place. Only their hearts remained, separated but seeking with good intention, affection and compassion, and wishing to be reunited with the splendors of love.

Deconstructed

2011-06-03T09:16:00.000-04:00

You came to me in a dream one night. You sat with me through my pain and tears, and reassured me that you would stay. You told me this moment wouldn’t last forever and that time tells all. You told me things would be alright and that I would always be loved. You told me there could be no joy without sorrow. You told me to wait for dawn.

I couldn’t see your face. I didn’t know your name. You only revealed yourself through words and the compassion in your heart. But I wished to tell you things that lived in the smallest corners of my mind. I wanted to tell you about the things I remembered, saw and felt that made me happy and carefree. I wanted to tell you why I was here in the shadows and why I couldn’t leave.

You told me the universe doesn't stand still for anyone. It doesn't pause for wanderers, the faint of heart, or half dreamers. I wanted to tell you that you were inextricably tied to my future – you just didn’t know it yet.

"You're luggage."

2011-04-20T21:02:00.000-04:00

It all started in January 2005 when L, S and I embarked on a sibling vacation to Barcelona. L and I had traveled together many times, but this was our first time traveling abroad with our younger brother. With fondness, I remember our tapas dinners, flowing sangria and S complaining about his “cankles” from walking all around the city. We survived a hotel room together and a small rivalry over who would take the lead on navigation. It was a spectacular trip for the sites we saw, the food we ate and the experience we shared.

In January 2008, we repeated our adventure together in Greece, where we tackled Athens, Santorini and my big little brother driving us around in a compact car. We made a great little team and we were all eager to walk and explore (and with no fear of “cankles”). After our big fat Greek adventure, we each continued on in our separate travels, with L and S making a small backpacking appearance in the UK and Belgium. Unbeknownst to L and I at the time, these trips had sparked in my brother a great appreciation for travel – and wanderlust.

Fast-forwarding three years to the present, we reunited again on different shores and under wildly different circumstances. S had eventually given in to the lure of backpacking and left NY for a year-long jaunt around the world, but then inadvertently landed a job in Sydney. As a result, for two weeks this month, we all found ourselves together again in Australia. We converged from different corners of the world as L made the marathon flight from NYC and I swooped down from Shanghai. This time, it wasn’t purely a vacation or a trip. It was quality time together and a long-overdue reunion. The running jokes and sibling quirks were mostly unchanged, but the togetherness prevailed above all.

For me, it wasn’t until my last afternoon in Sydney, walking with my brother around Darling Harbour, that I felt just how much I would miss my brother and sister. I realized how geographically scattered we were, and that a reunion like this one would not come easily or often. And yet, I felt so grateful for the trip, for the time together and for them. I hope another three years won’t pass before we are reunited, but I have a feeling we’ll find each other again in a far-away place with a map in hand and countless memories to smile upon.

(P.S. For those wondering, the quote is from the movie “Eraser.” Only the Arnold can deliver that line to a crocodile with a straight face.)

No ordinary love

2010-07-04T23:31:00.000-04:00

There is the love that two people do their growing up with, but do not grow forward together. There is the love that was once your pillar, but then teaches you to stand tall on your own. There is the love that one seeks with good intention, but oftentimes lands in the wrong place. There is the love that is born of desire, but decidedly leaves when the passion ends. There is the love that is revisited by two people, but is only a misguided second chance. And then, there is the love that is left behind by circumstance, and only time and timing shall intervene.

Among all the wonderful – and wonderfully flawed – loves, I still say there is no perfect love. There is only great love...the kind of love that nurtures your spirit and thrills your soul. The love that unburdens your heart and unlocks it for all seasons of giving. It is the love that inspires you to want to be a better person but doesn’t ask for more than you are. It is the love that makes you feel you are everything to one person, and yet, without your beloved, everything feels meaningless. It is the love that whispers sweet prayers in your heart and speaks to you across distant moons. It is the love that binds you to another in this precious life and everyday thereafter.

Love

2009-12-12T12:24:00.000-05:00

I had a recent heart-to-heart with Kat about the many faces of Love. What do you do when unfortunate circumstances are greater than your ability to love? Your loved one walks out of your life and you are asked to walk away from Love. Through no fault of your own, though love is still very much present and your heart still craves love's return, you tell yourself that Love has failed you.

I tried my best to offer words of comfort and a sense of rationale - that reason does not always dictate Love's actions. In a perfect world, Love would be everything good, pure and beautiful and nothing would threaten it or taint it. Love would only know to grow stronger and deeper in two people and not lower its eyes to tomorrow. But, such is the uncertainty of Love and Life as we know it.

I believe that Love finds us for a reason - that its intent is honest and altruistic. It asks for nothing in return but for you to let love in so that you can come to know it and perhaps love it too. I have learned that there are no guarantees, only hard work and an open heart. There is always the possibility that Love will leave you for a time, but when it finds you again, whether it be the beginning, middle or end of your greater journey, it finds you with an even greater sense of purpose.

(Originally posted Monday, February 2, 2004)

2009-12-11T13:09:00.002-05:00

It's strange how certain lines get blurred - even the ones we think are black and white can often take on different shades of gray. The more we try to decipher things, the more abstract they get. I'm a firm believer that the answers we crave the most are found within us, but we work on a system of selectivity. We block out certain things we don't want to face or admit to because it would be easier to live in ignorance - in the reality we cling to. It would be easier to submit to what we feel in the moment, whether it's a moment of pain, pleasure or self-doubt. We seemingly prolong the inevitable because of complacency or indifference. We bide our time with fillers, distractions, hesitation and resistance. We stay in the dark because ultimately, the search is a part of the journey. But we constantly shift. We drift between fleeting and enduring clarity. We slowly peel away the layers until there is no denying what is there. We move past the grays....And thus begins the great reveal.

(Originally posted Sunday, October 1, 2006)

On Inspiration

2009-11-14T13:38:00.000-05:00

When I was a little girl, just old enough to read, write and express my little-person thoughts, I loved capturing everything I could on paper. To record my life as it happened. To describe moments in time, feelings close to my heart, and general ideas about the bigger world out there. I wrote when I felt inspired, and for a curious little girl, there was never a shortage of inspiration.

Looking back, I (and some others) might even describe myself as peculiar. My sister caught me once in the middle of a conversation. I was talking to running water. She thought it was very strange behavior, and since I didn't know how to explain it so she would think otherwise, I let her believe I was a little strange, or peculiar. I suppose some children grow up talking to imaginary friends. I grew up talking to elements of nature.

For many years, one of my favorite confidantes was an oak tree that grew in our backyard. I would tell the oak tree about my fears and sadness, and magically, they would be carried away in the wind. Almost every night, for as long as I can remember, I sat by my window and said good night to my friend. I didn't think I was acting strange. I was just fascinated by nature and the cosmos. I was inspired. I still am and always will be.

Over the years, the conversations have grown fewer and quieter. We moved and I lost my spot by the window, including my beloved oak tree. I adopted a new backyard and a new window to the world. I found new inspirations in the classroom and in literature - in the poetic words of others. I discovered that ethereal wonders are limitless and can span many worlds. I got lost in my dreams at night and reveled in my waking dreams.

I write because it makes me happy. It is my safe place and one of my creative outlets. In some ways, it is also my connection to the bigger world. Writing becomes a conversation born from daily inspiration, so regardless of where I am in life, I feel compelled to look up to the sky, say a prayer to the moon and listen for a voice greater than my own.

Transitions

2009-10-29T21:52:00.000-04:00

Some days I like walking down busy streets just to absorb some of the energy from the crowd. I pass many bustling restaurants and when I peer in, I'm reminded that I don't really miss the after-work crowds or that familiar habit of dining out. My life is now contently quiet. I've stepped away from that lifestyle, and I believe it has sparked lasting change in my life. Whereas I was once consumed by consumerism, I now live by the motto "less is more." I find satisfaction in clearing away clutter in my home and generally, in my life. I donate what I don't use or need, and I re-use as much as possible. When it comes to spending, I live conservatively. I adapt.

Sometimes it takes a drastic change to realize what you really value in life. It takes a shift in lifestyle to appreciate what you have instead of focusing on what you can attain next. And yet, I do try to stay in touch. When the mood strikes, I window-shop from time to time, but it's more about something to do, rather than something to want. Right now, I have this freedom. I can detach. And when the time comes to revisit the working world, I will choose when and how I will be a consumer. I will invest wisely and savor all that I've earned - and saved.

On Faith

2009-10-19T22:12:00.004-04:00

A pastor once said people tend to live in a two dimensional world. That is, people often rely on what they can 1) see and 2) touch. He said this approach provides security and commonality for accepting the people and things around us. He said people often put their trust in what is tangible and what they're conditioned to know. He then spoke about a third dimension - living a life of faith.

In Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love," when asked what kind of God she believes in, Gilbert responds, "I believe in a magnificent God." I believe what propels religious seekers and spiritual seekers in their respective pursuits, is a form of faith. And what guides people through the everyday and the extraordinary is faith. I think living a life of faith is not about one's choice of religion, a function of worship or what others believe. It's individualistic, pure and part of one's inner conscience.

As a connection between the heart, psyche and soul, faith can manifest as a positive energy and a guiding light. It empowers people to let go of simple truths and surrender to the unknown - to embrace possibilities. Faith can be a thread into everything we do, and a path to unlocking individual potential. And sometimes, in our darkest hour, faith can help us realize incredible miracles.

On Waiting

2009-10-05T21:42:00.000-04:00

We wait to be called on in class because it's the code of conduct. We wait for tea to steep because we look forward to that first soothing sip. We wait to be seated for dinner because it's 8:45pm and we've grown increasingly hungrier. We wait for the train that is always late to arrive because it's an inevitable part of our commute. We wait for the person on the other end of the line because we want and need to communicate.

For the optimistic at heart, waiting can create a healthy eagerness and an excitement. It can inspire us to move forward and allow us to embrace the journey. And even if the desired result isn't met, we are still grateful for the gift of time. In waiting, we gain a greater sense of self-awareness and perspective.

For others, the process of waiting can spur anxiety. We're in a hurry to anticipate what's next. We fill our time with pondering the possibilities. Sometimes, worry sets in for the unknown, and waiting begets impatience and frustration. The journey feels less fruitful and we become mired in fear for things that have yet to pass.

Waiting can be a choice or an infliction. Sometimes, we wait for something (or someone) that never comes because we are inherently hopeful creatures. We wait because it's the natural order of things.

Spring cleaning, spring forward

2009-03-30T17:09:00.000-04:00

As I continue to clean out my closets and take stock of my possessions, I can't help but wonder how much of what I own is stuff I really need versus stuff I can live without. In college, the answer was simpler. Living in a 10x10 dorm room, I took the essentials - clothing, computer, bedding and bath, books and food. Everything else was a splurge item - TV, stereo, mini-fridge - a nice-to-have. Over the years, from apartment to apartment, I've amassed quite a collection of THINGS. Neatly organized in drawers, tucked away on shelves or hung on the wall, these things all have an intrinsic value beyond the monetary. But can I live without them? What would I grab if I had one chance to save something in a fire? The answer is my collection of journals (started at age 8) and sadly, everything else would perish in the flames.

And yet, I think the beauty and utility of things is that they can be replaced. They can be bought, traded and recycled. The common value they have is the purpose we assign to them, and the desirability we place on the item (how much of a nice-to-have it would be). Some things, we say, are irreplaceable because they are heirlooms, souvenirs and mementos of people and times past. We cherish these things because they prompt us to remember and to feel connected to life experiences. And when things are lost, destroyed or discarded, the memory we attach to the item stays intact. Its value remains unchanged. And to every place we go and whatever stage of life we're in, we're able to carry these memories...so even if our surroundings are unfamiliar and we are void of these material things, we can still feel like the richest person to have never owned a thing.

C'est la vie

2009-03-10T00:12:00.007-04:00

On this particular Sunday, I found myself in Brooklyn Heights apartment-hunting with L. She had her eye on one sunny junior alcove studio and wanted a second opinion. We made our rounds in the 1960's era building, checking various for-sale units. I even whipped out my little-sister-with-bigger-presence questions on the friendly, semi-knowledgeable agents. I felt good about going along on the field trip even though I'm more of a Queens girl than a Brooklyn chick. We made a lot of progress and the next round of open houses wasn't until after 2pm, so we decided to grab some brunch.

At Lantern, we nabbed prime seats by the window because I wanted to enjoy the sunlight and see the passersby going about their Sunday. L and I talked about the apartments and how she loved this neighborhood. I told her I liked that the building is pet friendly because as Monty's godmother, she might need to take him in one day in the near future, or rather, I might need to entrust him in her care. She laughed, while I began to frown. I couldn't stop my mind from wandering to heavy places and as I stared down at my eggs florentine, I began to cry. She asked if I wanted a piece of her french toast, and as I looked up at her (sniffling and blotting my tears), she cracked a smile and told me that it will be ok.

Falling back into little sister mode, I told L that I am facing so much uncertainty. And most of all, I am afraid my news - and me above all - will disappoint our parents. In their eyes, I am the one who always does what I want, says what I want and goes where I want - perhaps to their dismay, but always to my own beat. Sometimes, I think they see me as the irresponsible child because L is the practical daughter and S is the ambitious son. I'm just somewhere lost in the middle...a perennial drifter who did everything right growing up, but is still searching for her niche in life. For the first time in a long time, I felt disappointed in myself.

As I turned to the passersby on the sidewalk and blotted my tears, L said something completely unexpected...something I will always remember. She told me she wasn't worried about where I'll land because I've always been slightly ahead of the game. She told me I have always been the dreamer and the free-spirited one in the family and those can't be taken away. That they don't go away quietly, and I should be proud for following my own course in life. She jokingly said the family loves me despite my ways because that's what families do. She told me I will figure it out because that's what I do best, and as long as I continue to do what makes me happy, there is no disappointment in the end. Only. Dreams. Realized.

2009-01-19T11:54:00.001-05:00

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder. And when two people are separated, they are still connected by one moon in a constant sky.

They say some things are just written in the stars. And if we simply have faith, our dreams reveal itself when we least expect it.

They say love cannot exist without pain. And when that pain runs deep, it can awaken in the soul an even greater desire to love and be loved.

They say the cry of broken hearts can't be silenced. And when the heartache begins to settle, it can open the way for forgiveness and inspiration.

They say love has a way of finding us again. And when we think we have nothing more to give, love reminds us that sharing one's heart is the real gift.

The Haunting

2008-12-17T00:23:00.002-05:00

As she leans in to caress my cheek,
She tenderly grazes my lips
And slowly, deeply breathes me in.
She presses her small hands to my stomach
To let me know she is there - and I am safe
And I think, she is goodness personified.

She is my first thought, my first breath
And my constant moon each night.
She is the one I dream of and dream with,
Whose dreams have become intertwined with my own.
And when I look into myself and all that I am,
I see her, my greatest feat of love.

I happily drift to a familiar place,
Wrapped in warmth and the lightness of her touch.
I trace the curves of her face, her shoulders, her hips
Probing and wanting so much on this wintry morning
Only to wake in despair that another season has passed
And as the moon wanes with certainty, so is she lost to me.

On Reflection

2008-12-15T23:16:00.007-05:00

"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."

- Nelson Mandela, A Long Walk To Freedom

True friends have a way of seeing you as you are in the present -- minus the frills and the pretense. They understand where you've been and perhaps the role they played in helping you get here. They also believe in the person you're capable of being, even before you knew that person existed. Sometimes, they're your mirror and in them, you see the best version of yourself.

If I Were A Boy (Beyonce)

2008-12-07T01:38:00.003-05:00

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted and go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it
Because they’d stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone its broken
So they think
that I was sleeping alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waiting for me to come home...to come home

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don’t understand; yea you don’t understand
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you’ll wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you've taken her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy…

On Perspective

2008-10-29T00:39:00.002-04:00

Strangers collide everyday in the crowd but there isn't always a connection. We keep moving though and make introductions along the way. We graciously seek, often not knowing who or what lies ahead. Light of heart and quick of feet, we travel with a handful of luck and a handful of hope. Patience steadies us. Humility humbles us. Free will guides us.

Every now and then, a stranger compels us to take pause and reach out despite unfavorable odds or less than ideal circumstances. The crowd swirls around you and you simply try your best to hold your ground and unearth the stranger. You drown out the noise until all that remains is a whisper.

Every now and then, you stumble and a kind stranger breaks your fall. You exchange a touch but not what lives in the smallest corners of your mind. The encounter is sweet but short-lived, and you do not seek more.

We cannot command the crowd or the frenzied pace at which it moves. We accept that these collisions, while inevitable, are also a product of chance. We relish the experience, the feeling, the moment. We are thankful for it all because even if the connection is fleeting or flawed, the stranger's impression remains with us. And though we may walk away heavy of heart, we are also enriched by the stranger - a fellow seeker who found us among the crowd and gave freely without regret or promise.

On Talking

2008-10-27T23:03:00.003-04:00

And then a scholar said, Speak of Talking.
And he answered, saying:
You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts;
And when you can no longer dwell in the solitude of your heart you live in your lips, and sound is a diversion and a pastime.
And in much of your talking, thinking is half murdered.
For thought is a bird of space, that in a cage of words may indeed unfold its wings but cannot fly.

There are those among you who seek the talkative through fear of being alone.
The silence of aloneness reveals to their eyes their naked selves and they would escape.
And there are those who talk, and without knowledge or forethought reveal a truth which they themselves do not understand.
And there are those who have the truth within them, but they tell it not in words.
In the bosom of such as these the spirit dwells in rhythmic silence.

When you meet your friend on the roadside or in the market place, let the spirit in you move your lips and direct your tongue.
Let the voice within your voice speak to the ear of his ear;
For his soul will keep the truth of your heart as the taste of the wine is remembered
When the colour is forgotten and the vessel is no more.

From The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran

A Poem of Friendship

2008-10-26T14:37:00.005-04:00

We are not lovers
because of the love
we make
but the love
we have

We are not friends
because of the laughs
we spend
but the tears
we save

I don't want to be near you
for the thoughts we share
but the words we never have
to speak

I will never miss you
because of what we do
but what we are
together

-Nikki Giovanni

Happy birthday, girls : )

Clarity

2008-10-26T01:22:00.002-04:00

It seems to have been a week of major upsets. Things didn't work out for J. Things doubly didn't work out for P. And yet, they are coping far better than another would in their situations. Perhaps the male mindset really works differently. I imagine it's not easy to appear vulnerable, even in front of gal pals. But something tells me they already have a gameplan and will be okay with whatever the morning after brings.

Bad things happen to good people. I accept that fact of life. But it's tough being an observer. I wish I had better advice to offer or even some answers, but I suppose comforting words (and a beer) will have to do for now.

I heard myself telling J/P to give himself time to gain a fresh perspective and greater clarity on the situation. While I believe in the present and in creating our own opportunities, I also believe that sometimes answers can only reveal itself in time. It can be a painful waiting game, but it also can be very telling and essential to the healing process.

I used to tell A that no man is an island. With good friends in life, no (wo)man should linger in solitude or despair.

2008-10-24T00:31:00.004-04:00

I've heard that love makes a man weak.
It puts butterflies in his stomach,
Music in his heart,
And bounce in his stride.
His face gleams with pride
And his smile shines true.
Happiness overcomes him.
Visions of Her cloud his mind.
Love puts ache in his bones
And fire in his soul.
I've heard that love makes a man.

9/14/00

the small things....

2008-09-17T00:21:00.004-04:00

*Walking in the rain
*Trusting your instincts
*Recognizing coincidences
*Sleeping in
*Seeing children laugh
*Smiling at strangers
*Eating to your heart's content
*Reveling in night
*Dreaming in color
*Embracing your wild streak
*Speaking your mind
*Enjoying the silence
*Traveling near and far
*Being a kid at heart
*Believing in everyday marvels
*Following the moon and stars
*Keeping others' secrets
*Taking a deep breath
*Standing still

And one not-so-small thing (quoting GB quoting another): loving the one you're with.

2008-08-18T21:54:00.000-04:00

I see a pattern developing. V is now the fifth friend to tell me that I'm a man when it comes to showing emotion and being emotional. Apparently, I'm an anomaly. Where most women may react to stressful situations with free flowing emotion, I remain calm and collected (in most cases). Short of being called a tin man or a robot (both of which I'm not), I can't think of another comparison for my "man" behavior. In truth, I don't deny this claim, but I can't really help the way I'm wired. And I don't think I should have to change what's natural to me. I've made it this far in life and I think I'm a fairly stable person. At the same time, my friends also know me as a sentimental person. I know this too. I knew it when I was in grade school.

Then again, what man would write about feelings and sentiments? So I spare someone a cry or awkward outburst. Maybe it's an act of kindness. Maybe I'm strangely unique. What's important to me is that I'm in touch with my feelings and deeply passionate about people and things that matter most to me. For better or worse, I'm just me.

Bday

2008-08-11T00:06:00.000-04:00

Handsome told me to hold on to my twenties. Hold on to them for dear life? Perhaps. But then again, I've never quite felt my real age nor dwelled on the number. I've always known myself to be an old soul and a kid at heart. So instead of counting time that has gone by, I try to measure myself in terms of self-improvement and happiness.

Years ago, I was in a card shop browsing their selection of keepsakes. A few vases caught my eye, partly because I'm obsessed with any and all containers and partly because one was imprinted with the words "be happy." I thought it was a simple and inspiring mantra. It was also a gentle reminder to myself about what is important in life -- to find happiness in everything I pursue.

The questions I often ask myself - am I the best person I can be, am I unequivocally kind to those I know and love, am I creating and recognizing opportunities - begin and end with happiness. I'm happy when I find time to reflect and indulge in introspection. I'm happy to meet new people and experience new things and places. I'm happiest when I learn and can share learnings with others.

I know I still have a lot to learn and experience, but luckily, my timeline is my own. I'm a work in progress and I accept that. And with that knowledge, I intend to chase happiness with all of the conviction and passion that life experience brings.

Two

2008-08-04T22:40:00.003-04:00

An old but inspiring email chain between two strangers (back in the days when social networking sites were just taking shape)....

----- Original Message:

inevitably, i've placed myself at somewhat of an impasse...you see, i wish to tell you something genuine about all of what your page says to, about and for you and how that has in some very real way spoken to me...i suppose it was because much of it has been spoken before from the lips of my own thoughts...for that i will smile the smile of certainty ...the inward grin one makes when one has stumbled upon a great secret of the universe...i've come back to a place where i reaffirm that the few who do exist, do so with a vibrancy and dynamism befitting of the word living....as strawberry to passion, so too are you and awareness, thanks for the smile...

-PS

‡

I think we all have a need to project and express ourselves on a blank canvas in order to catch a glimpse of ourselves that we would otherwise miss. I suppose I filled my page with those words and pictures with the knowledge that I would retain a certain and yet uncertain anonymity. I often think I know myself, but sometimes, I don't really form an opinion until I see myself through another's eyes. Thank you for that glimpse of self and blind faith.

smiling back,
K

One

2008-08-02T12:57:00.004-04:00

August 1. V and I had an interesting conversation last night. Perhaps it was our tapas and sangria induced state, or simply an outpouring of thoughts we had kept so close to the vest, but it was good food for thought.

People move on, move away and grow apart. At the end of the day, it's those around you that matter most. Whether there in body or spirit, they understand you and love you unconditionally for who you are, and not what you can do for them. Maybe it's a quality few or one. It's a conscious decision and a conscious effort in who you let in. And if you're fortunate enough to choose wisely, they accept the invitation and stay indefinitely.

2008-07-28T00:49:00.005-04:00

I Know

I know the moon is troubling;

Its pale eloquence is always such a meddling,
Intrusive lie. I know the pearl sheen of the sheets
Remains the screen I’ll draw against the night;

I know all of those silences invented for me approximate
Those real silences I cannot lose to daylight…
I know the orchid smell of your skin

The way I know the blackened path to the marina,
When gathering clouds obscure the summer moon—
Just as I know the chambered heart where I begin.

I know too the lacquered jewel box, its obsidian patina;
The sexual trumpeting of the diving, sweeping loons…

Of fireflies, deepening the shadows of all I do not know.

David St. John

Wanderlust

2008-07-21T22:04:00.001-04:00

I remember the trip quite vividly. It was my first time backpacking in the foothills of the English countryside. We had no real itinerary, just a map in our hands and an open ticket. We saw so many amazing places and often reveled in silence together. It was a bittersweet time because it was a trip with an impending goodbye. It was also a happy time for me because I was traveling and exploring places where natural beauty was wildly abundant and untouched by time (some even traversed by Tolkien himself).

It's probably silly of me to think about it now, but I was reminded of that wrinkle in time by my wallpaper photo (of all things). The landmark we were supposed to see was closed for the evening, so we improvised and explored around it, over it and under it. It was a decent hike to the top of the cliff, and well worth it. We were the only two people there. With clear blue skies, we could see stretches of land and sea for miles in all directions. We saw the tip of France.

As much as it was a trip of two, it was also a trip of one. Despite an initial travel mishap and being stranded in London alone, jetlagged and dragging 45 pounds of dead weight, I decided to embrace the experience. By plane, train, bus and foot, I traveled to the point of exhaustion, but my brain was wide awake. My senses were always stimulated, yet tapped into a sort of calm that only happens when one's heart is happy and contentedly full.

It was a trip with purpose. I became a wanderer and a seeker. I walked away with a renewed sense of purpose, self knowledge and spirit. And with every trip thereafter, that knowledge continues to unfold. The heart is fed. The spirit is awakened.

V-squared

2008-06-30T21:58:00.006-04:00

I love how two seemingly similar people can be so different. They spent their formative years together in college and from what I understand, they shared some turbulent, eye-opening and wild times. That's part of the colorful story best friends should tell. They influenced one another in all the ways that count and supported each other through hard times.

I didn't have the pleasure of knowing them back then, but I'm honored to know the dynamic duo today. They're both strong, smart, savvy women who know what they want and never hesitate to go after it. They're gutsy, shameless and spontaneous. They have the ability to make me laugh and cry with one sentiment, a warm gaze or just a smile.

V-squared can also be described as two sides of the same coin. V says one thing and Q says another. No one is wrong -- they just usually offer two distinct viewpoints. For me, it's not all that surprising. I tend to think like them, so when they offer advice, it's like listening to myself weigh both sides of the argument. It's hearing my own conscience telling me I should, but then I shouldn't...

They are my collective voice of reason. More often than not, they are life coaches who dish wisdom, spot-on advice and raw honesty. They keep me sane when I feel like giving in or giving up. They remind me (without fail) that I'm special and to believe in myself. They don't tell me what I want to hear, but rather what I need to hear. They invited me to play Miranda. They appreciate and commend my sarcasm. They minted the loin cloth and "sweat be gone" jokes.

They're my dynamic duo.

Mrs. Julia Chin

2008-06-25T20:51:00.001-04:00

Ever since we met in kindergarten, Joo Yong has been a best friend and sister to me, and someone I will know and cherish for all my life. She's someone who gives with her entire heart, always sees the best in people and cares deeply for those around her. We often joke that even from our rocking chairs - 50 years from now - we'll still be laughing and talking for hours like things have never changed, and with Joo Yong, I know it's true because that's the kind of special person she is. Today is somewhat bittersweet for me, not because I'm letting go of that image of us 50 years from now, but because I'm officially seeing my best friend off tonight to begin a new journey and chapter of life. It's certainly not an easy thing to do, but I'm reassured because I know I'm leaving her in good hands with Ronald - someone who truly gets her, makes her smile on the inside and out, and I know, will cherish her for all his life.

6.22.08

On Subtraction

2008-04-29T22:02:00.002-04:00

11,923 is the estimated number of random strangers I've "bumped into" over the last year.
5,091 is the number of MP3's I stash on my hard drive.
3,200 is the number of stickers I owned and collected in early grade school.
400 is the number of CDs I own.
300 is the number of books I own.
165 is the number of human pounds I've physically lifted off the ground.
67 is the number of vertical inches I command.
49 is the number of poems I've written.
38 is the number of shoes I keep in rotation (more or less).
24 is the number of years I've known my oldest and dearest friend.
13 is the number of journals I've kept over the years.
10 is the number of countries I've visited in my quest to see the world.
9 is the number of foods I'm allergic to (and of course, enjoy eating).
8 is the number of times I've been to a house of faith.
8 is also the greatest number of inches of hair I've ever cut at once.
7 is my chosen lucky number.
6 is the number of jobs I've had since graduating college.
3 is the number of wisdom teeth I still have (but not for long).
2 is the number of siblings I have (yay for the middle chid).
1 2 is the number of boys I've honestly loved.
1 is also the number of times I've ever been seriously injured.
0 is the number of times I'm willing to compromise my beliefs.

On Hope

2008-04-15T22:15:00.000-04:00

Her world came crashing down in that moment of discovery. Fourteen years whittled down to five months of ignorance and agony. When the truth broke, her faith was broken too. Things fall apart. People fall apart. But I worried - how would she move beyond the pain and deception to gather herself and become whole again? It seemed her only misdeed was perhaps trusting too much and loving with her whole heart. He broke her faith in love, truth and kindness. It seemed that nothing was truly sacred. If fourteen years together didn't equate to trust, surely it would take her that much longer to regain trust in goodness. In people. In listening to her instincts. In following her heart.

A year has now passed since that devastating day. It was a terrible lesson for her to learn about love and self. It was also her greatest lesson in loss. But somehow, she steadied herself in time and began the recovery process. She opened herself up to possibilities and little by little, began to imagine Happiness. In the process, she is redefining what happiness is for her and finding her way back to Faith. She is learning to trust again and embracing the idea of Love, which is slowly revealing itself again in the familiar and the new.

She is what I think of when I imagine goodness. She has shown me that life doesn't pause despite the most piercing circumstances. She has taught me that when things falls apart, a new will can be built in its place and it can be stronger than we ever imagined. In her unknowing example, she has taught me the greatest lesson in Hope.

On Memory

2008-03-31T23:52:00.000-04:00

The wheels in my mind are always turning, and I realized as I was showering (and thinking of course) that the majority of my thoughts are replays of memories. My memory is always firing off images, faces, names, places...it's stuck on shuffle. More often than not, I experience total recall, which can be a blessing and a curse. I rarely forget names or faces. Some strangers become familiars. Smells, no matter how faint or subtle, are rapidly logged in my brain. Feelings are etched in my memory. Moments - both insignificant and special, comprise my mental photo album. I remember where I left things years after I've tucked them away and I rarely forget conversations (maybe to the point of being obnoxious).

I remember running and discovering that I (at age 8) was faster than I thought. I remember scraping my knees and being scolded for running too fast, too aimlessly. I remember the distinct smell of baby powder on my baby brother's skin. I remember his fierce temper and arguing with him like we were mortal enemies. I remember the smell of English roses in our backyard. I remember the smell of incense at my grandmother's funeral. I remember how special I felt when he remembered - and surprised me with - my favorite birthday cake. I remember our goodbye at the airport and sensing it would be our last. I remember snorkeling for the first time and being amazed by everything I saw. I remember swimming too far out and doubling back because I really couldn't swim. I remember discovering Love and fighting for it countless times. I remember letting it go because it was time and I was not the same person anymore.

Sometimes, I think I remember too much for my own good. I seem to be incapable of editing. But first and foremost, I remember who I am and who I want to be, despite temptations, mis-steps and distractions. Memories guide me, ground me and inform me. After all, forgetting would be tragic, if not difficult.

On Sadness

2008-01-30T23:06:00.000-05:00

It's a frown disguised as a contented smile
And a normalcy hiding wild irrationality.
It's the mind's daily lamentations
Revealed through the eyes as a singular sorrow.
It's standing at the brink of indifference
Only to be rescued by unwavering despair.
It's a weakness with a firm grip on one's being
And a weight that sits with you like an old friend.
It's mourning something that was but is no longer
And a secret longing in the hollows of one's soul.
It's a black dust that settles into the ruby heart
And a hurt that fills the body to the brim.
It's unspoken devastation revealing itself in pieces
And a fragile memory that haunts us as a waking dream.
It's knowing and not knowing truth
And wanting not to want what is past.
It's falling, falling down
And falling apart.

P.S.

2008-01-01T17:15:00.000-05:00

We don't see things as they are; we see things as we are.
-Anais Nin

I think this quote is very fitting for the feel of the new year. It holds a lot of raw honesty and meaning that I think we tend to overlook. It's often easy to say that we have impartial and untainted views of the people and things around us, but how often do we truly understand and capture what is there and not just what we want to see? We all hold unique opinions about everything under the sun; these thoughts are born from our natural inclinations, personalities, and what we have chosen to incorporate from social influences around us. We can only attempt to get closer to understanding what is really before us by considering all viewpoints and even thinking outside of ourselves. This is how I would like to approach the new year - with a larger sense of my environment, a deeper understanding of people and a greater appreciation for everything that I value in life. With a new year comes re-evaluation of self and surroundings and hopefully, peace of mind.

From January 2003. Some things don't change.

Rewind

2008-01-01T16:43:00.000-05:00

I woke up just in time to see the sun begin to set over the East River. I guess one could say I slept in. I blame last night and my own vices. It was 2am and I could have called it a night but I figured I was floating between 2007 and 2008, so time didn't really mean anything at that point, i.e. I should keep going. Time would stand still, at least for one night. Yes, it was quite a drunken mess out there and I ended the night with two bruised wrists, but it was time I wouldn't have again. No regrets, and importantly, no hangover. With the new year upon us, it's an opportunity to reset and re-engage -- to look forward to the days ahead of me and not count the days behind me. It's a new benchmark with which to measure experiences, successes and discoveries. And ideally, it's 365 opportunities to create colorful, defining moments that will stay with us for years to come.

Notes to self: work hard and play nice. don't neglect the important things. every so often, take the long way. follow your heart. go to bed earlier. cook more. worry less. cultivate meaningful friendships. see the glass half full. indulge once in a while. remain open to opportunities. be mindful of toxic friends. laugh as often as possible. exchange smiles with strangers. think happy thoughts. stay faithful to mini-skirts. clean out closets. visit Britton. be health smart. choose battles wisely. trust your instincts. always always be true to yourself. write when inspired. appreciate solace. take better care of self. just breathe. in the end, all will be well...again. repeat.

Happy 2008.

Dear Santa

2007-12-27T12:59:00.001-05:00

Thanks for making my Christmas so jolly, festive and relaxing. I probably should have written to you earlier to share my wishlist, but it slipped my mind due to the massive food coma I've been in for the last....oh, since Thanksgiving. That, and I'll be honest, I've been a bit naughty this year. However, I've consistently tried my best to spread cheer to others (girlfriends, male friends, babies in the park, etc.), feed the less fortunate (aka friends and roommates that don't cook), and donate to goodwill (making room for new replacements). If I had composed a wishlist, here's what it probably would have included:

* a new hairdo
* vet shots for Monty
* a beach vacation
* a nice guy for my sister
* an automated color-coded closet organizer
* the ability to command 8 hours of glorious sleep daily

Oh, and world peace. I had to aim high, right?

Thanks, and I promise to be less naughty next year.

Your friend,
Kim
age 12 (+sweet sixteen)

Only Time

2007-12-12T00:12:00.002-05:00

I have to wonder, when looking back on the past, do we tend to see an abundance of heart-warming moments or a chain of ill-fated events? Do we reflect more upon old regrets and missed opportunities or the times when we acted on pure impulse and spontaneity? Is our past charged with colorful people and events or does it speak of a slow and steady pace? Is it bursting with laughter or encased in sadness? Did we live each day richly or did we squander away valuable moments? Will we merely have glimpses of those that we loved but are no longer in our lives or will we truly cherish them and carry them with us for all time? Do we define ourselves by what we have accomplished or what we have yet to achieve? Do we long more for the past or an uncertain future?

I think if I look just behind me, I’ll see many smiling faces, good conversations and intense moments of bliss. I open my heart to the good because it feels familiar, warm and safe. It’s an old friend touching me on the shoulder and whispering secrets in my ear. I step into the moment and smile both inside and out. But if I look further back – far beyond yesterday – I see uneven sprinkles of the good and the bad.

The bad is another story. I intentionally blur the bad memories for fear of pain, disappointment and heartache. I keep them very close to the surface without exposing them. I try to silence them before whole stories and conversations unfold. Yes, they are a blessing in disguise because without them, I would not have grown as a person or known desire. But they are also anchors in many ways – when I let them fill my mind. Then and there, I stand on the edge of hope and depression – both chained to the past and reaching for a new memory that I truly wish to be good. Often, I slip back into the past but am buoyed by the reminder of future good. I don’t delete the bad. I merely inch forward a little each day until I find the strength to resolve the past, to accept the bad in its entirety and somehow surrender myself to tomorrow.